6 best practices to avoid relationship stagnation
1. Regularly Practice Validation
If validation is not a common occurrence in a relationship, it can create a lot of disconnect. It can also contribute to additional heat in the midst of arguments. Arguments may seem never ending and become incredibly complex with numerous topics and pain points when they constantly go unresolved. Moreover, if validation is not a common occurrence in a relationship, it can sometimes feel like a fight is the only opportunity to raise deep concerns or vulnerable moments that have gone unseen. If one partner tends to be avoidant in behaviour and also especially if they are more relaxed in their approach to life, it can sometimes seem like a fight is the only time where they are invested, show their full attention or even care. A seemingly perfect opportunity to explore subjects that have been neglected or avoided. An opportunity to fulfill the desperate need in all of us to be seen and to be known. Of course, this only serves to complicate and escalate arguments further.
Validation should be a regular practice in your relationship. Especially if it does not come naturally. Validation indicates to your partner that you understand their experience as a person. This does not only include your experiences with each other but in any context. Like a shitty day at work, or a beautiful moment they shared with a friend. Perhaps you might be good at listening to your partner when they share with you. That is a fantastic quality to have. Letting them know you are hearing them and appreciating their experience is what validating is all about.
To reduce the intensity of your arguments and to experience greater connection, give yourself reminders to listen to the experiences your partner shares with you about their life or their day and say something validating as often as you can. Making this a regular practice in the relationship can satisfy the need to be heard, seen and connected which can also reduce the intensity and duration of certain arguments.
To learn more about what validation is and how to better validate someone with example statements take a look at my blog post titled “What is Validation”.
2. Find A Solution for Who Does the Dishes
You wouldn’t believe how common arguments about the dishes are amongst couples. Or perhaps you’re also one of those couples and you understand exactly what I’m talking about. Normally an ongoing argument about household chores signifies that there is contempt building up in the relationship. Contempt is the feeling of not being on equal footing with your partner. You might see them as lesser than to some degree or just feel disrespected by them. The presence of contempt is a sign that there is a bit of “roommate dynamic” going on. It’s hard to cherish, enjoy the company of and honestly even have sex with someone that you see as incapable or childish.
While a healthy relationship can withstand disagreements and may even have unsolvable disagreements, household chores is something that can and should be addressed accordingly. To constructively manage this conversation, take out a pen and paper, stay on topic and focus on finding a divide or routine that feels comfortable for the two of you.
This is not about doing the exact equal number of chores each or rotating chores for sake of experiencing the pain of each chore equally. Stick to your strengths, do what you’re each good at. Share the pain in the things you both suck at or detest. If one of you hates something but the other doesn’t care too much, give it to the partner that doesn’t care. This will actually allow you to feel more thankful about each other’s contribution. Setting some really basic expectations in a sit-down conversation of who does what can help avoid those fights that start with “well if you would have told me, I would have done it” or “how come you never help out”. As grown adults you are both responsible for the wellbeing of your home. Every couple has different work and living arrangements so it is up to the two of you to figure out how to best organize this to fit your lifestyle. As a best practice tip, no matter the dynamic this should not fall solely on one partner to manage. It is a mutual responsibility that requires mutual involvement.
If despite your every best effort you still can’t seem to figure this out then putting that dish away may not really be about putting that dish away. There may be an underlying issue present. When you feel stuck in this type of dynamic, that’s usually a strong sign that it may be time to speak to a mental wellness professional to guide you through it.
3. Break The Pattern and Learn Something New Together
Connection isn’t just built on awesome communication. It’s also built on exploration, excitement, intrigue and a desire to get to know the other person. But all of this can feel really challenging after so many years together or the weight of a life filled with responsibility and obligation. It can feel like there is nothing new to learn about your partner. Like every day is the same and you know everything about them and their responses.
This is dangerous territory to fall into. The moment that you treat your partner as if you can predict their next response due to shared history is the moment the relationship becomes stagnant. You are no longer in a relationship with your partner who is a dynamic and evolving human being but with your fixed schema of them at the point in time you decided there was nothing new to learn. This often leads to not giving your partner a chance to do differently in the relationship and grow to become a better partner. I see this often in session. When I suggest that a partner ask for or do something that they normally wouldn’t I will hear time and time again “but I already know what they will say”. To which I often respond, “how will your relationship change for the better if you are its first impediment”.
Break the cycle by exploring new areas of life together. In engaging both of your minds, there is opportunity to watch each other evolve in real time. If an activity is new to both of you, it requires that you approach it with an open mind and also creates room for vulnerability. Vulnerability is a key ingredient to connecting with others. To learning new things together and about each other. It also brings novelty and excitement in the relationship. Focus on things you are both interested in. This could be learning a new language together, learning a new game (sports game, board game or video game), a new style of cooking. The sky is the limit. Focusing on activities and hobbies does not only increase satisfaction in relationships via shared experiences and openness but studies have also shown that your overall mental wellbeing can improve by engaging in hobbies.
4. Engage Your Community
Yes, this does actually help your relationship. Your community of chosen friends and family holds you accountable to be the best version of yourself. They can hold up both a mirror or a window. Meaning they can help you notice things about yourself that you might not and even things about the way you are showing up in your relationship. They can also offer insight into different worlds and realities and ways of being in a relationship. Changing your perspective can be incredibly refreshing, you might learn to understand your partner better or you might even realize that you truly are thankful for what you share together.
Community can encourage you to be daring, to get out more and explore and above all they can also offer support. Studies have shown that the existence of a reliable community is one of the greatest determinants of wellbeing and longevity. Life can throw so many challenges your way. It’s hard. No one is short on suffering and hard times. The people around you can offer kindness, empathy, a helping hand or more as you navigate through it. It is much harder on you and your relationship to go through every difficult experience having only each other. Dedicate time to building out your community. Nurture the relationships with the people you know and like by spending time with them and introduce people to each other to grow your network.
5. Spend Time Apart
Spending time apart can bring you closer together. This is not a trick. Going back to feeling like you know everything about your partner; that can feel particularly true if you spend every waking moment in each other’s presence. You need to nurture your individuality and continue to build out your identity as a person. This is an evolving thing.
Part of feeling stagnant and disconnected in a relationship is also feeling stagnant in your own life and disconnected from yourself. Your partner cannot help you get to know yourself, not all the time at least. There are many things you can do to work on your relationship but if your sense of self is depleted and you as a person are lost, then you need to take time to focus on you. The more present you are within yourself, the more of you there is to give to your relationship. The more of you there is for your partner to explore too.
It can seem counterintuitive because some of you may badly want a deeper connection and sometimes part of the solution is to nurture your relationship with yourself and build up your confidence and identity. You don’t need to isolate to do this. You don’t need to push away your partner or your community. All it takes are some dedicated hours or days every now and then that prioritize your relationship with self. Go out with your friends on your own time. Explore hobbies and places that are uniquely your own.
6. Expand Your Repertoire of Inside Jokes
Humour helps people cope. It puts things into perspective when you’re really stuck on something. It brings people together and invokes a sense of togetherness. Laughter has been shown to decrease the stress response and contributes to many other physical and mental health benefits. It truly operates as a tool to not only cope with challenging situations but to also increase overall wellbeing by acting as a buffer against stress.
Relationships can really be worn down by stress and the drudgery of everyday. Especially now more than ever depending on where you live. If you’re Canadian I know you’re wondering how much longer are we going to let these oligopolies destroy the wellbeing of over 90% of the population. But I digress, external stressors can really wear you down and in turn impact the relationship. It is very common for issues with work, in-laws and any other external factors to seep into the relationship and turn couples against each other. Recognizing the ridiculousness of a situation, the irony and the humour in it can help you cope and stay on the same page. It can help break down some of those walls that are often present when we take something a little too personally.
Furthermore, engaging in humour can actively reduce the stress you’re feeling. It is usually copious amounts of stress in daily life that keeps people constantly operating on a short fuse. Being bothered by things that normally wouldn’t bother them and taking it out on their partner. If you don’t consider yourself as someone that’s very humorous, consider watching comedy together or anything you find amusing every now and then.
