How do you find resolution?

By now you might have heard that healthy couples argue. Arguments do not mean that a relationship is failing but can in fact be something that brings couples together. How does an argument actually bring two people together? Isn’t conflict normally a bad thing? That depends on how it is handled and in your experience with conflict. Conflict represents interests, thoughts, values and opinions that seem to not align. Considering that no two people are exactly the same, then it can be expected that most people will experience conflict at some point with a loved one.

Conflict often represents an opportunity to learn more about each other and to find compromises in which both of you can feel heard or seen in your dynamic together. However, when fights become emotionally elevated and a little nasty, that same conflict can leave scars. Even more when the conflict has been avoided, discussions have not seen their end and resolution has never been found, resentment creeps in. You can think of resentment as those loose negative thoughts you have about your partner in the dark corners of your mind. About how they “never make space for you”, “care more about their silly little image than they do about actually showing up for you” or you wish they would “just stop pretending everything is fine when clearly it isn’t”.

So, what is resolution and how does one find it?

Resolution is not one formula or singular action you can take. It depends on the nature of your discussion and what you are looking for from the conversation. Resolution is more heavily dependent on what you need to feel settled than it does on some prescribed notion of making amends. Finding resolution in an argument actually requires that you also have a sense of what it is that you are looking for from the argument. As always this comes back to my favourite topic of self-awareness. You have to acknowledge the emotional experience you are having and also identify what it is that would make you feel more centred.

For example, if your partner made a shitty comment about your appearance that really hurt, resolution would be focused on acknowledgement and probably an expression of remorse at causing you pain. However, if your partner was negligent and destroyed something very dear to you, resolution might actually require restitution or some token or gesture that equalizes the experience. Further still, if you believe your partner is a social butterfly filling your every weekend with activities you find draining and you raise this to them, resolution would be focused on seeking a compromise. A compromise that is focused on honouring what each of you values most and finding creative ways to offer that to each other.

You can see that resolution may vary from a simple acknowledgement to the complexity of honouring each other’s values and personalities.

How do you know when resolution has been reached?

A good indicator is knowing that you have covered everything you needed to cover in the conversation. A poor indicator is your emotional experience. Let me explain. Sometimes after having a long and productive discussion that encompasses recognition and even an action plan, you might still feel frustrated or sad or some other uncomfortable feeling. That does not mean you need to keep talking about it. It can take longer for the uncomfortable feeling to move through you than it does to have the discussion and agree to move on. You may need a little more time, perhaps you need to start focusing on a different task or activity. The key thing to remember is that residual frustration does not necessarily mean the discussion needs to continue.

Try taking some time apart first and then ask yourself:

• Was there something we did not touch on that I still want to hear their thoughts on?

• How would bringing this up help us understand each other better in a way we have not already discussed?

• What is something that I think my partner can say or do that is missing?

Upon reflection you might realize there is something you missed before. That’s ok, find an opportunity to gently raise it. However, if bringing it up again serves no purpose other than to vent, you might need to focus more on emotional processing and components of building trust long-term.

Why is resolution important?

Resolution is a critical component of healthy arguments. By its very nature, for conflict to be constructive it would allow you to express yourself, learn something about each other, make amends or find a better way of honouring each other in the relationship. The Zeigarnik Effect establishes that not addressing a task and leaving it unfinished, allows it to linger in your mind longer. This is likely due to the cognitive tension associated with it not being completed, closed out or resolved. In the context of a relationship, leaving discussions unresolved or unaddressed can create an environment where your partner is holding on to the difficult moments. If you belonged to the camp of people that hoped by ignoring it, they would forget it, chances are, it is having the opposite effect.