How resentment affects a relationship
How does resentment show up in the relationship?
Resentment is a rather complex emotion and due to its complexity, it can develop in a variety of ways. In a romantic relationship resentment feels like a nagging at the back of your mind that is constantly playing negative feelings or thoughts towards your partner and their intentions. Sometimes you might not even be aware that what you’re experiencing is resentment but you have definitely assumed that your partner has acted with malice or will in the future. Perhaps you question how pure their intentions are. Resentment feels like bitterness towards someone for how they behave or think. It can feel like having been wronged. Perhaps continuously wronged or ignored. It can develop from a cocktail of emotions such as anger, sadness, disappointment or betrayal.
Sometimes resentment doesn’t present itself as negative thoughts towards your partner but instead a mistrust towards them that is driven by repeated past incidents. The overall nature of your feelings towards your partner is like the balance scale has tipped and it is not in your favour. Your partner or their actions have put you in a position that you do not feel comfortable being in or find unjust.
How does resentment build?
Oftentimes resentment will present itself when there are unmet expectations in the relationship or when you feel pressured to do things you don’t want to do. If you find that you have to give up parts of yourself or abandon yourself, it’s possible that you resent your partner for it. This can be difficult to figure out because it requires knowing yourself well enough to identify what is truly bothering you and what is an otherwise reasonable expectation.
Another tricky thing is that resentment is not always caused by your partner’s actions. Sometimes, the resentment you feel toward someone is caused by your own actions. There is a difference between:
constantly asking your partner to pick up the slack at home and offering guidance, holding back on the criticism and overall creating a warm space to communicate and still not receiving the support you need vs
never letting your partner know that you absolutely adore receiving souvenirs and resenting them for never thinking of you while they are away.
The former is filled with attempts at communication and problem solving. The latter involves wanting or expecting something but failing to communicate it. In either situation, it’s possible for resentment to creep in. In the latter example, the resentment has a lot more to do with how you handled the situation than it has anything to do with how your partner failed to show up. In both dynamics you may not feel prioritized or loved. Perhaps you wish they could just do better.
How does resentment impact the relationship?
The impact of resentment often starts with distance. You may find yourself not sharing certain things because they “wouldn’t get it” or “what would be the point”. You already know how they will react. This distance often breeds further resentment. You may begin to feel isolated and long to share what’s important to you with someone who supports you. The deeper resentment runs and the more it starts to pile on, the worse you will treat your partner. Likely leaning towards verbal aggressions and increased criticisms. At this point, it’s likely that your partner will start to harbour some difficult feelings towards you too. When you bring something up, they might become snippy. Each conversation will carry the weight of becoming a nasty fight and neither one of you will feel heard.
Many relationships find their end due to the buildup of resentment especially if repair never takes place. As we discussed earlier, resentment may build due to repeated failed requests but it can also build from your own personal perceptions and assumptions of your partner and become worse when there is added distance and hostility towards your partner.
In my experience working with clients, it is often a combination of both.
We are all still building relational skills and learning how to properly ask something of our partners and how to express ourselves constructively when we feel wronged. Some of us are still learning that it is ok to allow ourselves to even experience anger or dissatisfaction.
Can resentment be fixed?
The bitterness of resentment can be soothed. It can become manageable and we can learn to move past it. Perhaps even fully let it go. If reading this article has started to make your palms sweat, fear not, that tightly weaved ball of complex issues and pains can be detangled.
One of the biggest antidotes against resentment is compassion. It is inviting someone to express themselves and offering compassion for their experience. Most of what drives resentment is negative thoughts or feelings. Airing out those feelings can be therapeutic. If you missed date night multiple times in a row, your partner may experience sadness and a touch of betrayal that you are not showing up for them. If you do not invite them to express themselves but instead try to move away from the conversation because “you feel bad enough already”, they will shut down and resentment will creep in. If you have done wrong or put someone in a less than desirable situation, create space for them to express themselves. This means not making the conversation about you. Showing compassion is especially important in situations where you cannot immediately change the dynamic you are in. Which brings me to my next point, if someone feels wronged, they need to know that they will not be in this situation again.
Handling resentment means showing your partner that you have not only understood the position they are in but are willing to do better. You are willing to take necessary action so they feel supported. This would be the equivalent of trying to tip the scale back to balance. Even in situations where your partner failed to communicate their expectations, it is still possible for you to be a part of the solution by letting them know that you would be happy to be there for them in the ways that they need. This can also invite them to express themself in a more constructive manner.
Resentment can definitely have negative impact on a relationship, but it does not have to be a permanent resident in your relationship. As long as there are two willing participants, it is possible to come back from resentment. If you know that resentment exists in your relationship, treat it more like a sign that indicates maintenance is required rather than a sign of relationship failure.
