Hard truth about relationships
No matter how secure we feel in our relationships, we can still experience feelings of stress, worry and anxiety. Anxious thoughts and feelings are a normal part of being human. They can intensify when we go through a challenging period in our life and they can be particularly difficult to manage if you struggle with anxiety or have an anxious attachment style.
We are all prone to some degree of anxious thinking but the intensity of those thoughts, meaning how often they happen and how severely they impact you can vary widely. Part of being in a functional relationship is identifying and recognizing your own emotions and asking for help when you need it.
When we cannot identify what emotions belong to us and how they show up in our relationships, we are prone to allowing those emotions to rule the relationship.
A common example of this is demanding that your partner show up a certain way or avoid doing certain things because your fears feel overwhelming. For example, you may argue that they shouldn’t meet up with a certain friend because they are a bad influence or untrustworthy. I don’t know your circumstances; you might have some valid points about this person’s past behaviours but what I do know is that it is not a decision you can make on your partner’s behalf. There is a difference between raising your concerns to your partner and demanding they see things your way.
Which brings me to a very hard relationship truth that I too had to learn in my adulthood and struggled with: it is not your partner’s job to help you manage your anxiety.
Meaning your partner should not have to squeeze themselves into a smaller version of themselves or give up parts of themselves because you are experiencing concerns or worries.
This happens more often than you think. A common dynamic I work with is where partner A really needs answers right away and is adamant about resolving issues on the spot and partner B is generally not in touch with their feelings or becomes more easily emotionally overwhelmed. Partner A needs issues resolved because existing in a state of conflict brings up really challenging worst case scenario type thoughts about the relationship failing. Partner B cannot handle such intense conflict and needs time to recuperate so they can manage to produce meaningful thought to contribute to the discussion.
The reality is that both partners here usually have something to work on but we only really observe the obvious issue of the partner who seems “unwilling to address” the issues in the relationship. I mean if you are clearly available and willing to work on this and they’re not then they are the problem, right?
What people usually miss here is, how much of the discussion revolves around soothing your anxieties? How often does the discussion need to happen on your terms and how often is their answer simply not enough? You can’t let something go until you completely understand it and this desperate need to understand is about being able to fight against the anxious thoughts, feelings or images in your own mind.
Maybe you’re really worried about the end of the relationship, or experiencing something difficult all over again. Maybe you fear that you’ll never be able to understand them or be understood by them. Maybe the connection isn’t as strong right now and that freaks you out. Whatever it is, it occupies your mind and drives how you handle discussions with your partner.
The hard part is that for a lot of things, you may never understand why someone would act in a way that you never would. When this happens, no matter what someone says to you, it doesn’t feel enough. I am here to tell you that it is still possible for you to repair or have a functional relationship without personally relating to their experiences.
Which means learning to connect with someone in a way that does not completely relate to their experience. It is learning to live with some unknowns in your dynamic and giving them space to emotionally regulate in the middle of discussions while you work through your own intense feelings in your body.
When you demand that you push through a hard discussion or answer questions in a way that has to make sense for you, then you’re most likely dominating the conversation. For your partner it will feel more like an interrogation than a dialogue, which will lead to even more resistance and push back. In this situation, I work to reduce the intensity of these arguments by creating an understanding of the role that each partner plays and by helping them identify their own zone of accountability. I help couples identify; which emotions belong to me that I’m responsible for handling and what else can be worked on as a couple.
When we do this, we identify the work that needs to happen at a personal level and increase awareness of how it shows in the relationship. That awareness is part of understanding each other’s pain points and vulnerabilities. It becomes part of building out your love map of your partner.
You learn that a lot of what comes up emotionally may not actually be directly about you but you’re pressing on a wound which is why you’re getting this high level of intensity. You will have the opportunity to respond to it with more empathy while still maintaining some of your own boundaries. Empathy is critical to reducing the intensity of these discussions. It helps soothe anxieties and allows for connection despite disagreement.
When we do this work, we actually start taking the relationship from a space of high tension to one of increased empathy. It is not easy though because it does require that you come to terms with difficult internal feelings and also obtain some tools to work through them or tolerate them. But in being willing to do so, you can show up in a much more inviting and accepting manner.
If this is something that you are struggling with in your relationship, you can always reach out to me or book a session ❤︎