Hard truth about relationships
No matter how secure we feel in our relationships, we can still experience feelings of stress, worry and anxiety. Anxious thoughts and feelings are a normal part of being human. They can intensify when we go through a challenging period in our life and they can be particularly difficult to manage if we struggle with anxiety or have an anxious attachment style. We are all prone to some degree of anxious thinking but the intensity of those thoughts, meaning how often they happen and how severely they impact us, can vary widely. Part of being in a functional relationship is identifying and recognizing our emotions and asking for help when we need it.
A common example of anxious thinking influencing the relationship is demanding that your partner show up a certain way or avoid doing certain things because your thoughts feel overwhelming. For example, you might argue that your partner shouldn’t meet up with their childhood friend because they are a bad influence or untrustworthy. They seem to be frequently getting into trouble or their values don’t align with yours. I don’t know your circumstances; you might have some valid points about this person’s past behaviours but what I do know is that it is not a decision you can make on your partner’s behalf. There is a difference between raising your concerns to your partner and demanding they see things your way.
Which brings me to a very hard relationship truth that I too had to learn in my adulthood and struggled with: it is not your partner’s job to help you manage your anxiety.
Meaning your partner should not have to squeeze themself into a smaller version of themself or give up parts of themself because you are experiencing concerns or worries.
This happens more often than one might think. A common dynamic I see in my work is: partner A really needs answers right away and is adamant about resolving issues on the spot and partner B is generally not in touch with their feelings or becomes easily emotionally overwhelmed. Partner A needs to resolve the issues because living in a state of conflict makes their catastrophic thinking worse. Partner B cannot handle intense conflict and needs time to recuperate so they can manage to produce meaningful thought to contribute to the discussion.
The reality is that both partners usually have something to work on but as a collective people only see a problem with the partner who seems unwilling to address the issues in the relationship. I mean if you are clearly available and willing to work on this and they’re not then they are the problem, right?
If you tend to be a worrier, I would encourage you to ask yourself the following:
Have I ever taken the time to notice how much of the discussion revolves around soothing my anxieties?
How often does the discussion need to happen on my terms and how often is their answer simply not enough?
Is it true that I can’t let something go until I completely understand it?
Does this desperate need to understand come from trying to fight against the anxious thoughts, feelings or images in my mind?
Maybe you’re really worried about the end of the relationship, or experiencing something difficult all over again. Maybe you fear that you’ll never be able to understand them or be understood by them. Maybe the connection isn’t as deep right now and that freaks you out. Whatever it is, it occupies your mind and drives how you handle discussions with your partner.
The hard relationship truth is that for a lot of things, you may never understand why someone would act in a way that you never would. When this happens, no matter what someone says to you, it doesn’t feel enough. I am here to tell you that it is still possible for you to repair or have a functional relationship without personally relating to their experiences.
Which means learning to connect with someone in a way that does not completely relate to their experience. It is learning to live with some unknowns in your dynamic and giving them space to emotionally regulate in the middle of discussions while you work through your own intense feelings in your body.
When you demand that you push through a hard discussion or answer questions in a way that has to make sense for you, then you’re most likely dominating the conversation. For your partner it will feel more like an interrogation than a dialogue, which will lead to even more resistance and push back.
In this situation, I work with couples to reduce the intensity of these arguments by creating an understanding of the role that each partner plays and by helping them identify their own zone of accountability. I help couples identify; which emotions belong to me that I’m responsible for handling and what do we work on as a couple. When we do this, we identify the work that needs to happen at a personal level and increase awareness of how it shows in the relationship. That awareness is part of understanding each other’s pain points and vulnerabilities. It becomes part of building out your love map of your partner.
You learn that a lot of what comes up emotionally may not actually be directly about you but you’re pressing on a wound which is why you’re getting this high level of intensity. You will have the opportunity to respond to it with more empathy while still maintaining some of your own boundaries. Empathy is critical to reducing the intensity of these discussions. It helps soothe anxieties and allows for connection despite disagreement.
When you do this work, you move the relationship from a space of high tension to one of increased empathy. It is not easy though because it does require that you come to terms with difficult feelings and also obtain some tools to work through them or tolerate them. But in being willing to do so, you can show up in a much more inviting and accepting manner.
If this is something that you are struggling with in your relationship, you can always reach out to me or book a session ❤︎
