How to survive Valentine’s Day as a couple
Valentine’s Day FEELS significant because it’s a great way to sell heart printed kitchen towels, candles, utensils, plates, pajamas, lipsticks, nail polishes, flowers, cards, chocolates, candies, socks, underwear, slippers, robes, hair clips, hair ties, body creams, soap, cookie cutters, whisks, blankets, pillows, bedsheets, erasers, pencil cases, gloves, hats, sweaters and I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface.
But it is just a day. Some people look forward to it because they create community around this day. Meet their friends, carve out time with spouses or lovers. Plan conversations around meals and activities and I think that’s so beautiful and what makes humans human well. Personally, I love that aspect of holidays and I would love to see more of it in my own life and reflected in my online communities. But I don’t think these moments that fill our lives with warmth need to be contained within the same calendar markers as marketing campaigns and product rollouts.
That being said, we have all received the messaging that Valentine’s Day is meant to be special and significant, irrelevant of where the day originated from; honouring a martyr in the 8th century, first associated with love in the 15th century and first commercialized in the 19th century.
This messaging has created expectations. Expectations that you might personally not agree with and fight against or ones that you welcome with deep excitement. The key to emotionally navigating Valentine’s Day as we know it today is not in understanding the history or purpose of the day as it was always meant to be. The meaning of things changes over time and it is diluted or inflated depending on context. The key is to face your own expectations, decide whether they serve you or not and if so, help them materialize.
Start by checking in with yourself. Ask questions such as:
How do I want to feel on Valentine’s Day?
What role does my partner play into this?
Have I made my partner aware of their role in my emotional landscape?
The biggest issue with big holidays is that we receive an endless amount of messaging on what it should be from commercials, movies, friends, work, neighbours, school and so on. The messaging can be direct such as “if he doesn’t even buy you flowers, he is a lazy waste of space” or indirect, Johnny bought Leslie a new iPhone packaged inside a bed of rose petals, what did your person do?
To be honest, to me it sounds like we have found every possible way of measuring whether someone loves us or not through gifts that we have forgotten to actually ask them.
Which is exactly why I would encourage you to check in with yourself. Do you need the gift? Do you need the dinner reservation despite knowing you will be smushed in there like sardines? Because if the answer is still a resounding yes, that’s amazing! I am with you. Really. Just make sure to let your partner know “this day is important to me and I want to feel special through gifts or by spending time together”. Or “I find this day meaningful and I would like for you to be invested in that with me”.
Valentine’s disasters or resentments in couples happen where both partners casually try to play it cool and one or both is still wanting to make something unique out of the evening. If there is anything I want you to take away from this post it is, don’t play it cool. It is not mysterious but confusing. Furthermore, if you yourself do not have big expectations on Valentine’s Day, make sure to check in with your person!
A little “hey honey, is it important to you to carve out some time together on Valentine’s”, can go such a long way. Also, some sweet treats never hurt anybody.