How to take accountability in a relationship
Yes this post is for you not just someone you know
Taking accountability for the part played in an argument can be really challenging because there is a tendency to assume it means defeat. To many people it means that if they take accountability for wrongdoings then they concede and the other party wins. For lack of better words that line of thinking is a little naïve. Every situation has a lot of nuance to it and in many cases there is no one right way to do something.
Taking accountability for the part you played does not mean that the other person is comparably perfect and blameless. It simply means that you acknowledge you might have had an error in judgement or just made a mistake. Even if something you did was intentioned to be harmful, it can mean that you’re are willing to learn and grow.
A lot of people refuse to take accountability for their own actions because they think what someone else did was so much worse and the focus should be on that instead. But someone else’s actions are not an excuse for your own. A really simple and common example is screaming at your partner because they did something really inconsiderate. While the focus of the discussion and repair will be on the inconsiderate action taken, it is only to your benefit to own up to your own little part which was the way you spoke to them. It shows that the purpose of your discussion is repair and coming back together. That includes acknowledging even more seemingly minor occurrences such as insensitive comments or methods of communication.
People who own up to their own short comings tend to show a higher level of emotional maturity and comprehension. It means they can consider that they missed something or can recognize the role emotions play in a situation. Often times they also have greater self-compassion. They know that an error in judgement is not representative of their entire character. If someone can forgive themselves and not allow something to challenge or wear down their entire image of self, it becomes much easier to own up to it.
In contrast, some people experience cognitive dissonance between who they believe they are and the actions taken that do not align with that belief. In this case there are normally two routes that can be taken. Change the action and accept that it is not aligned with who you are which includes owning up to it or change the belief. Both of those can feel incredibly challenging which can often lead people to villainize someone else to justify their own actions so that they seem aligned with their beliefs. This tends to be one of the most common ways that people continue to diminish the impact of their actions.
By diminishing the impact of your actions, you can excuse yourself and continue to come down harder on your partner and their shortcomings. Eventually this leads to a lot of frustration in the relationship and rightfully so. If you ever find yourself feeling that you are completely blameless in almost all arguments, you might want to consider that you are very good at justifying yourself at the expense of your partner.
Common thought processes that you could be using to justify yourself and avoid blame include:
Why should I apologize when I didn’t start the argument
What she did was so much worse and I have every right to lash out
He has years of fucking up stacked up against him, I am allowed to act this way. If anything, this is helping the relationship be more balanced
You might be right in thinking some of these thoughts, your partner may have done more wrong than you, or started it however if the only incentive is to win then your relationship will start to sour. Deeper connection starts with compromise. This is a person you likely want to be build a sense of safety and security with. A lot of that includes approaching discussions with the intent to connect and to come together as the number 1 outcome and priority.
FAQ
Accountability can be described as:
Being willing to be held accountable for your actions, behaviours or decisions. This means that you can answer for wrongdoings by offering recognition, an apology and if necessary, restitution.
How to take accountability for something:
This is similar to learning how to offer a proper apology. Some things to consider are:
1. State specifically why what you did was wrong or potentially hurtful
2. State how that might have impacted other people
Focus on acknowledging your part and remain open to being held accountable in your relationship. This includes listening to someone as they talk about their frustration or pain.
Why accountability is important:
Accountability can help build trust in your relationships with others. No matter how virtuous or kind you are, you will eventually do or say something hurtful. That is normal and ok as long as you can speak to it.
Why accountability can feel like an attack:
When you are not ready to own up to something and are being asked to it can feel like you are being attacked. This can normally be tied in with feelings of shame and guilt. Many of us are not comfortable sitting in or experiencing these emotions and our immediate reaction is to do anything that will help us get as far away from those emotions as possible. When someone asks you to own up to how your actions may have been negligent or hurtful, it can feel like they are asking you to speak poorly of yourself or put yourself down because of the shame and guilt that can arise in having to acknowledge your part. This is especially difficult if growing up you have never seen anyone in your life apologize and own up to something and reconnect.