What is validation?
Validation is the epitome of making someone feel seen and heard. It is the best way to let someone know that you support them. You do this by hearing them out and trying to show empathy for their perspective. The purpose of validation is not to tell someone that they are simply right in their beliefs or thoughts about a situation but rather that you can understand why they would feel the way they do about something based on their experience.
This is the part that most people struggle with when it comes to validating someone because they associate validation with agreement. The reality is that even while we might have done wrong in a particular situation, we can still feel frustrated or upset based on our interpretation of events or what we believe happened. Those feelings are real, irrelevant of whether or not we interpreted something incorrectly. It can also be said that right and wrong in certain circumstances are highly subjective to begin with.
Something can be true for someone that isn’t true for you. A situation can be anxiety-provoking or really stressful for an individual that seems completely mundane to you. This is because people come with varied life experiences and varied stress tolerances. Going to the dentist can be incredibly stress-inducing for Abigail and something that she really needs to work up the courage to do. This could be for a multitude of reasons, one of them being that Abigail had a really rough experience with her teeth as a young teen. Appointment after appointment of drilling as she was unfortunately prone to cavities.
It can take a lot of willpower to convince yourself to do the things that you really don’t want to do and the fascinating thing about willpower is that it wears down as you continue to use it each day. In Abigail’s instance, after the dental appointment, she found herself stuck in infamous Toronto rush hour traffic. Following that she picked up ingredients for dinner and required additional assistance at the self-checkout… twice, as if she wasn’t exhausted enough. By the time she gets home, her partner Joel calls out to her from across the house to be careful of the pile of dog shit he was just about to clean up, and of course she already stepped on it. I am sure you can imagine by this point, Abigail is stressed, exhausted, and completely depleted. When Joel points out that he could use some help with the living room that’s in disarray, Abigail finds his tone condescending and rude despite the fact that it was not Joel’s intention to come off that way. From his perspective, he was just being communicative.
The next thing that happens is glaringly obvious for most of us; Abigail lets Joel know that he is being incredibly rude and condescending. She proceeds to tell him that he does not need to speak to her in such an aggressive manner. Abigail has reached the very end of her willpower and ability to tolerate any more stress or demands. Joel could either:
a. Immediately become defensive as he did nothing wrong, and how dare she lash out at him when he is just trying to work together. Is she incapable of appreciating anything?
b. Or, validate her experience by saying something like, “Honey I did not mean to come off as condescending, but I completelty understand that’s how it seemed to you. I know you’ve had a really rough day. Do you want to tell me about it?”
The point of validation is to take a pause and separate yourself from the situation
Ask yourself questions like what is this person going through right now? What are they trying to tell me about their mental state or the struggles they are experiencing? Being curious and gently inquisitive can really provide so much more perspective and plenty of material for you to pull on to help someone feel validated.
Examples of validating statements include:
I can understand why you felt that way
I am sorry that you had to go through that
Thank you for opening up to me about that
I can totally relate to how frustrating that sounds
I would love to know more about your experience with …
Open ended questions to ask to expand your understanding:
Can you tell me a little bit more about what that meant for you?
What is the best way to support you right now?
Have I understood what you’ve shared with me correctly?
Validation can vastly change the outcome of a discussion as it communicates understanding and acceptance. It lets someone know that you are open and receptive to what they are going through. In turn, this also allows the other person to open up to you. What happens otherwise is that both parties become focused on proving their particular point. They are both desperately seeking that acceptance but they are not providing it and therefore also not receiving it.
No matter how you look at it, you only have more to gain by starting your discussions with validating statements.
FAQ
Validation in relationships – how to do it?
One of the most critical and beneficial times to validate your partner is before you start speaking in a discussion or argument. After they are done speaking make it a rule that before you start diving into your argument you take a moment to validate what your partner just said. If you are struggling to validate it, you can paraphrase what they just told you and ask for confirmation that you have understood what they are trying to share.
Why is validation important?
By validating your partner, you are making them feel seen and you are also making them feel like you are on the same team. Your relationship becomes a source of safety and comfort and disputes become an opportunity to better understand each other and align as opposed to something that tears you further apart.
The difference between validation and accountability.
Validating someone’s struggle does not mean they are excused from any accountability for the part they had to play or any wrongdoings.
You should also consider that while your feelings are valid, that does not mean that how you acted as a result of them is ok. You are still responsible for your actions.